We had to kind of egg him on to swing, to hit the pitch sometimes. It wasn’t that he was afraid of the ball, just that he didn’t want to miss. He didn’t want to fail.
"I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great. oh well. but, alas, I fucked up and told [censored] about my "flask". that really disappoints me. [censored] I know you thought it was good for me… in the long run and all that shit, smart of you to give me a such big raise and then rat me out, you figure it was supposed to cancel each other? god damn flask, that just fucked me over big time. now you all will be on my ass even more than before about being on track. I’ll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life!"
This passage is particularly revealing when it comes to Eric hiding and pushing away any unwanted emotions, only in order to build up the desired emotions he needed to go through with his plans; these emotions being primarily anger and determination. This could be why he was seen as very angry all the time specially towards the end of his life, as he seemingly masked his pain, loneliness, hopelessness and sadness with anger - and apart from that, anger is a natural product of depression and a natural way of feeling in Eric’s case, only he wanted to make it into the only emotion he would be able to feel. In this journal entry, dated 11/22/98, Eric seems to get sentimental and soft at first, writing: “I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great." He then quickly recognizes the emotions that came to the surface, emotions that would take form as even more remorse, guilt and sadness, which quickly makes him snap and change into an angry tone, convincing himself that "I’ll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life!"
When feelings of sadness, remorse, shame or pain - feelings that he suffered from underneath the anger - came to the surface, Eric quickly switched to anger and pushed the other feelings away, as this emotion was both easier dealing with and more fit for what he planned to go through with (but of course, anger is a natural product of depression too and all depressives feel it to some extent). The anger and the determination of that he really wanted it was what he needed to go through with the massacre - but as seen in this passage, it wasn’t always what he truly felt. He just didn’t let himself feel anything that was even more painful to deal with or could make him doubt himself; not once he was convinced that the massacre was his only way out. He might have been an expert at hiding things from others, but he couldn’t always hide them from himself, as shown in his journal several times, one of them being in this passage.
- An analysis of Eric Harris’ anger, particularly in his diary.
Happy Birthday, Tim Burton! (August 25th, 1958)"I’ve always been misrepresented. You know, I could dress in a clown costume and laugh with the happy people but they’d still say I’m a dark personality."